Grown ups and, like, maturity and stuff
Recently there was a birthday party for a friend of mine. In discussing the upcoming party, another friend remarked, "I think it's going to be a pretty big party. Like, there's even going to be some adults there."
Laughter from me, for two reasons.
First of all, the party was to celebrate a 30th birthday. Not a third or thirteenth or even a 23rd birthday. If there weren't going to be adults at the party, I would have started to worry.
Second, the guy who made the statement is almost 30 (it's true, don't deny it my dear). He is recently married. He has a mortgage. He has owned his own business for years. He is incredibly successful and one of the hardest working people I know. And yet, clearly, he does not consider himself an adult. Maybe if you sat down and had a chat about it he would, at the end, admit he is adultish. But it seems, in general, that he doesn't consider himself to be a fully realized adult.
It's not that I think my friend's statement came from left field. He is pretty prone to emitting unfiltered comments, so I'm used to hearing this kind of stuff from him. Also, I get what he was saying. He meant, of course, that some people our parents' age would be at the party, and that everyone else who would be going who was not part of this demographic was not an adult. I don't think he's the only similarly-aged friend of mine that feels this way either. I'm not picking on him in particular, just using him and his attitude as a microcosm for other folks my age because, well, I can since he's not here to defend himself.
So what is it that makes any of us adults?
The first thing that comes to my mind when I think 'adult' is responsibility. It doesn't appear, though, that my friend would agree. He's had to be very responsible, in his work life anyway (and I would argue - though he may disagree - in all aspects of his life too), for a long time now.
I feel like maturity should be up there too, but having been in the working world for a few years now and interacting with people of all ages, I'm not sure this can be a blanket characteristic.
Maybe back in the day marriage would have been an adulthood signifier but with marriage rates down and divorce rates up, apparently engaging in the married life does not an adult make.
If it's not being fiscally responsible, socially responsible, having long-term employment, being mature, being married...what else do those "adults" attending the party have that the thirty year old kids I know, don't? Is it purely a time thing, as in once you hit 'x' number of decades you are crowned an adult? What's the magic number? Obviously not 30, so is it 40? 50? By 30 the average person has experienced a myriad of life's obstacles I would say. What is it about any specific age that leaves you changed?
I've been starting to wonder if it's not an age thing, really, but rather it's the "c" factor.
As in, children.
But then, is it just having children (of any age) that renders one an adult? The implication there is that joining the parenthood clique makes you awash in 'adulty' feelings. But how, then, do I explain the shock I felt both times I left the hospital with a newborn when I realized that no one was going to stop us. I've never shoplifted, but I really do think those feelings I had are akin to the feelings shoplifters must have at first. "I can't believe they're letting us do this. We're just walking out the door. Someone's gonna pay big time for this when their boss finds out." In fact, not only was the world allowing us to leave with such tiny little beings in our possession, it was expecting us to do nothing short of our best with those two wee creatures. So shock, yes, and bewilderment.
Notice I had these feelings with both kids. I suppose if having kids makes you an adult, then by the time I had the second one I should be all grown up, perhaps a sage even. Wise in the ways of the parent, and by extension, adult life. But no, even with the second one I feel like I'm MacGyvering my way through parenthood, throwing together whatever resources I can scrounge up to create haphazard solutions to all the problems little folk present (though with considerably less aplomb than MacGyver himself of course).
But, maybe to my friend it's not having kids that makes one an adult, it's having raised kids that's the key. Been through the trials and tribulations of it all. Well, based on my experiences with kids thus far, I don't think I'll ever feel fully 'there' as a parent, like I've 'arrived'. You just sort of get rolling with the infant stage and then the toddler mode hits. Soon to come will be early school years, then middle school years, then - gulp - the high school years. I don't foresee myself mastering any of these upcoming stages and feeling in control and knowing just what to do at every key juncture. Even when my kids are all grown up I'm sure I still won't feel like I've achieved parental mastery.
While we're pursuing this path, I have to stop and consider a glaring implication: are the only adults in this world, then, people with kids in their twenties?
That's just crazy talk, isn't it?
It must be that it's not what you've done that makes you an adult, it's how you feel. I don't feel like an adult because, to me, adults know what they're doing at all times. But at the same time I consider myself an adult mostly because if I'm not, then what am I? A kid with kids? A married kid with kids, a house, a car, a job, a dog and bills to pay? I consider myself an adult, but I don't feel like one inside most of the time.
I know my friend's statement was just an off-the-cuff remark. I know he didn't spend days formulating it. I know he's probably annoyed that I've chosen to analyze it. It just got me thinking is all.
When my parents got married almost forty years ago, only one of them was legally able to vote. When was it that they felt like adults, I wonder? Was it when they said "I do"? Before that? Was it when their first child was born, both of them so new to their twenties? Or when my dad started his own business while also running a farm? Or was it maybe when they became grandparents? Or do they feel like adults at all?
I've never thought of my parents as anything but the most mature and fully responsible adults. I interpret this as meaning they did a solid job of being parents. Whether they felt it or not, they had me convinced of their full-fledged adult status. So, too, do the 'adults' at the birthday party have my friend convinced. A job well done I say.
Laughter from me, for two reasons.
First of all, the party was to celebrate a 30th birthday. Not a third or thirteenth or even a 23rd birthday. If there weren't going to be adults at the party, I would have started to worry.
Second, the guy who made the statement is almost 30 (it's true, don't deny it my dear). He is recently married. He has a mortgage. He has owned his own business for years. He is incredibly successful and one of the hardest working people I know. And yet, clearly, he does not consider himself an adult. Maybe if you sat down and had a chat about it he would, at the end, admit he is adultish. But it seems, in general, that he doesn't consider himself to be a fully realized adult.
It's not that I think my friend's statement came from left field. He is pretty prone to emitting unfiltered comments, so I'm used to hearing this kind of stuff from him. Also, I get what he was saying. He meant, of course, that some people our parents' age would be at the party, and that everyone else who would be going who was not part of this demographic was not an adult. I don't think he's the only similarly-aged friend of mine that feels this way either. I'm not picking on him in particular, just using him and his attitude as a microcosm for other folks my age because, well, I can since he's not here to defend himself.
So what is it that makes any of us adults?
The first thing that comes to my mind when I think 'adult' is responsibility. It doesn't appear, though, that my friend would agree. He's had to be very responsible, in his work life anyway (and I would argue - though he may disagree - in all aspects of his life too), for a long time now.
I feel like maturity should be up there too, but having been in the working world for a few years now and interacting with people of all ages, I'm not sure this can be a blanket characteristic.
Maybe back in the day marriage would have been an adulthood signifier but with marriage rates down and divorce rates up, apparently engaging in the married life does not an adult make.
If it's not being fiscally responsible, socially responsible, having long-term employment, being mature, being married...what else do those "adults" attending the party have that the thirty year old kids I know, don't? Is it purely a time thing, as in once you hit 'x' number of decades you are crowned an adult? What's the magic number? Obviously not 30, so is it 40? 50? By 30 the average person has experienced a myriad of life's obstacles I would say. What is it about any specific age that leaves you changed?
I've been starting to wonder if it's not an age thing, really, but rather it's the "c" factor.
As in, children.
But then, is it just having children (of any age) that renders one an adult? The implication there is that joining the parenthood clique makes you awash in 'adulty' feelings. But how, then, do I explain the shock I felt both times I left the hospital with a newborn when I realized that no one was going to stop us. I've never shoplifted, but I really do think those feelings I had are akin to the feelings shoplifters must have at first. "I can't believe they're letting us do this. We're just walking out the door. Someone's gonna pay big time for this when their boss finds out." In fact, not only was the world allowing us to leave with such tiny little beings in our possession, it was expecting us to do nothing short of our best with those two wee creatures. So shock, yes, and bewilderment.
Notice I had these feelings with both kids. I suppose if having kids makes you an adult, then by the time I had the second one I should be all grown up, perhaps a sage even. Wise in the ways of the parent, and by extension, adult life. But no, even with the second one I feel like I'm MacGyvering my way through parenthood, throwing together whatever resources I can scrounge up to create haphazard solutions to all the problems little folk present (though with considerably less aplomb than MacGyver himself of course).
But, maybe to my friend it's not having kids that makes one an adult, it's having raised kids that's the key. Been through the trials and tribulations of it all. Well, based on my experiences with kids thus far, I don't think I'll ever feel fully 'there' as a parent, like I've 'arrived'. You just sort of get rolling with the infant stage and then the toddler mode hits. Soon to come will be early school years, then middle school years, then - gulp - the high school years. I don't foresee myself mastering any of these upcoming stages and feeling in control and knowing just what to do at every key juncture. Even when my kids are all grown up I'm sure I still won't feel like I've achieved parental mastery.
While we're pursuing this path, I have to stop and consider a glaring implication: are the only adults in this world, then, people with kids in their twenties?
That's just crazy talk, isn't it?
It must be that it's not what you've done that makes you an adult, it's how you feel. I don't feel like an adult because, to me, adults know what they're doing at all times. But at the same time I consider myself an adult mostly because if I'm not, then what am I? A kid with kids? A married kid with kids, a house, a car, a job, a dog and bills to pay? I consider myself an adult, but I don't feel like one inside most of the time.
I know my friend's statement was just an off-the-cuff remark. I know he didn't spend days formulating it. I know he's probably annoyed that I've chosen to analyze it. It just got me thinking is all.
When my parents got married almost forty years ago, only one of them was legally able to vote. When was it that they felt like adults, I wonder? Was it when they said "I do"? Before that? Was it when their first child was born, both of them so new to their twenties? Or when my dad started his own business while also running a farm? Or was it maybe when they became grandparents? Or do they feel like adults at all?
I've never thought of my parents as anything but the most mature and fully responsible adults. I interpret this as meaning they did a solid job of being parents. Whether they felt it or not, they had me convinced of their full-fledged adult status. So, too, do the 'adults' at the birthday party have my friend convinced. A job well done I say.
Comments